This is a joke. “What is a joke?” you ask. Can’t you
the deafinition? Allow me to x-plain… A joke is for the
who can take
it, who get it, and who like what they get. Get it?
This is a religion. A
is a Belief System, or BS, as someone who didn't believe he was named
Andrew Frankenetti explained on several occasions. Andrew Frankenetti
that She made the following proclamations to help you achieve
Illoonimation and to know what Enlighten-up meant. You’d better
REMEMBER : Andrew
Frankenetti said it first, but Andrew Frankenetti gets the last word.
When Andrew Frankenetti starts with the last word, the only way forward
is back to the beginning. If you don't take Andrew Frankenetti's word
for it, take it for your own.
1. Andrew Frankenetti is the
greatest Italian who never lived.
Don’t pay attention to the
Stranger things have
Let’s be Frank.
Humor was a myth created by Andrew
PROcess not CONtext
If you don’t know what to
say, unwrap the obvious, then swallow the wrapper. Don’t
call for help… you knew what you were getting into.
1. Always look both ways before crossing your eyes.
The Short Road to Frankensense
Everlasting contains bristles and nettles necessary for the
bloodletting of the
pure at heart.
If you ask us, we will
1. Do what you
did when you were 5 and make it smart... but not too smart.
1. Andrew Frankenetti stands for nothing and lies for everything.
1. Andrew Frankenetti never
1. Andrew Frankenetti’s father
was a traffic cop.
1. Andrew Frankenetti makes Frankensense.
1. Andrew Frankenetti is a dick,
but She has no sack -- unlike the
prophets of the sack-religions.
1. Andrew Frankenetti is a not-for-prophet.
1. Andrew Frankenetti is not
selling what you’re buying.
1. Andrew Frankenetti stays on the balls.
1. Andrew Frankenetti is
1. Andrew Frankenetti will hold
up (in) a court of law.
1. Andrew Frankenetti does not
practice gimmicks. She performs them.
1. Andrew Frankenetti eats mice
and shits out rats.
1. When Andrew Frankenetti eats
birds, monkeys fly out of her butt.
1. Andrew Frankenetti is pretty,
pretty, pretty good.
1. Andrew Frankenetti’s work is
never done - mainly because she doesn't do it.
1. When Andrew Frankenetti seams
funny, you bust a stitch.
1. Andrew Frankenetti tailored the Emperor's birthday suit using a
needle in a haystack.
1. Andrew Frankenetti gets a
better grip on Irreality with Talchemy Powder.
1. Andrew Frankenetti knows
where you are in spice and thyme after taking a cooking class with
Elementary School Principal.
1. Andrew Frankenetti would - and did - feed lion to the Christians.
1. Species are feces.
1. When Andrew Frankenetti eats
dung beetles, She shits out dung-dung beetles.
1. Coffee makes Andrew Frankenetti sweat beads of justice.
1. Andrew Frankenetti met a physicist
on tall, logical high
heels before her Big Bang..
1. Andrew Frankenetti does
eat dung-dung beetles, because then She would be constipated, and all
would cease to exist.
Frankenetti cried for our butt-chins.
1. Andrew Frankenetti ties double knots with too wide, twice-tied,
tightlty taut, twelve to twenty-two ton tongue-twisters.
1. Andrew Frankenetti took the proof out of the pudding and made it
1. Andrew Frankenetti is having a ball, and you're invited.
1. Andrew Frankenetti slipped a Mickey in your Mouse when you quit
1. Andrew Frankenetti flips heads on its convention.
1. While others pass the buck, Andrew Frankenetti rolls in the dough.
Hole, The Baker, and the Baseball Glove Maker
1. There is but One Hole in the
1. There is “Butt Hole One” in
the Looniverse, and it is the Big Dipper in the new cosmology.
1. The Baker’s in the Butt Hole.
1. Butt Hole One cannot be
pigeon-holed… there is no pigeon-hole.
1. The Baker makes DoNuts, not DoNots.
1. The Baker filled the DoNuts with cream.
1. Optimistically, the
Looniverse is half-full and all
1. The Looniverse is a slice of
the Paniverse spread with crunchy Peter
Paniverse Peanut Butter. We’re trying to add more nuts!
1. The Buffooniverse is a
of the Paniverse spread with Schmuckers.
1. It’s not a small world.
1. The Contraverse is not!
1. In between the House of the
Rising Yeast and the House of the Setting Cake lies the Driveway to the
1. The Ruler of the Looniverse is over one foot and two Nuts in High
1. The moon is made of Aware-ican
cheese, and that is why the ware-wolves come out to sell sheep’s
the fool moon.
1. The Paniverse has but one hole through the
middle of the loaf, which makes each slice contain an image of this one
1. All creations of the Baker
are part of the Infinite Dough-Knot.
1. Beat your Maker; meet your
1. The Baker’s dozen is 84.
1. The Banker's in the bundt hole.
1. The Baker bakes for no man.
1. The Paniverse is a bun
in and out of the oven.
1. The Balls do not sweat!
1. There is but one crack in the Looniverse, and it is cracking up.
1. The One Crack and One Hole are Butt One in the same.
1. When the Kaiser is baked in
the Butt Hole, he gets the butt munchies.
1. Despite what you might think,
Rule Number Twos are not made by the Baker in the Butt Hole.
1. Spalding Fitzgerald like a Glove makes him "One Size Fitzgerald".
1. In the beginning, there was
Andrew Frankenetti. Then She put the Glove on and left the rest to the
1. Remove the Glove, and ye shall see the flood of Irreality.
1. Glove is all we need (and we do).
1. Andrew Frankenetti was born
in a vowel movement.
1. There is a way to explain the
beginning of everything without involving Looney Tunes at all, but then
wouldn’t have the same music.
1. A pun a day keeps the shrink
1. If you hear any noise it’s
just the boys and girls at the Department of Miss Information.
1. The thing that happened
before the “weekend” (hereafter referred to as the week)
was the before-time, and the workplace is the land before time that the dinosaurs keep
1. Adults are puzzles that we
1. When you die, it’s just like
the end of a Looney Tunes cartoon, except you get pulled in by the
1. We must stop skipping on the
nuts and start skating on the balls.
1. Those responsible for bureaucratic mix-ups work at the Department of Mr. Information.
1. CONfusion is a state of the
1. COPulation may land you in
jail, but CROOKulation will get you something for nothing.
1. When you close your mouth
there is a molar eclipse. When you open your mouth it reveals the
1. The male box is in the back.
1. The Prodigal Buns have the
1. The Post Orifice has yet to
sort out its fee for male.
1. Not CONstitution or PROstitution, but restitution for destitution
throughout. Throw out institutions.
1. Blind men search for the Holy
1. The slow-witted and
unobservant operate under the Department of Mrs. Information.
1. Turn in, toon on, take out.
1. Every day is every day.
1. Celebrate every Halliday.
1. Is is not - a tripple not, that is.
1. If you want to think outside of the box, get into a box, apply the
Glove, and box yourself.
1. Pandora's box of Froot Loops was
actually two cans of worms,
not just one..
Morality: The Marriage of the Good and the Brad
1. Do the Good thing, not the
1. If you do the Brad thing, you
end up in the Brad Pit.
1. If you do the Good thing, you
end up on the Tom Cruise.
1. Cruise Control to Major
1. Q: Can you take a
Tom Cruise on the Rock Hudson?
A: Only if the River Phoenix is flying
Q: Can you take a Penelope Cruz in the Ricki Lake?
A: So long as
the Farrah Fawcett is running.
1. The Marlboro Man rides
Camel in the Brad Pit.
1. We cannot determine whether
the ugly are Good or Brad because they’re so hard to look at.
1. Deciding who is Good and who
is Brad leads to a Helen which-Hunt.
1. Mike Judge uses Nicholas Cage to uphold the Jude Law.
1. ALWAYS, ALWAYS, always
RECORD CONVERSATIONS ABOUT THE LOONIVERSE, LEST YOU FORGET TO SPIT
OUT THE BRAD PITT
INTO FERTILE SOIL SO THAT IT MAY GROW INTO A PEACH TREE BEARING THE
IDENTIFIED FORBIDDEN FRUIT OF ANNOYING QUESTIONS THAT LEAD NOWHERE AND
INCUR THE WRATH OF THE Glove. For this
reason we cast the knowledge of the Good and the Brad into the Brad
to be spoken of again.
1. We will
hereafter refer to the Nameless One as the Nameless One.
1. We’re all
born with the original chin.
1. By George, stay out of the Bushes!
1. Why you would order
Paul Reubens without a Pee Wee bit of Colonel Mustard, I haven't a Clue.
1. The Brad Pit is in the
1. The Contraverse is a
loaf pinched by Brad (not baked by the Baker).
1. The Contraverse is full of
holes because the force of Brad pulling into himself caused a tear in
1. No matter
how hard Brad pinches himself, he can never wake up and get out
1. A pit is
hole with a bottom; you sit on your bottom with a hole.
spilled his applesauce on Eve’s original chin.
1. The Department of Miss
Information serves the necessary function of keeping the Departments of
Mrs. Information orbiting a distant planet of one of the stars in the
DiCapricorn constellation of the Buffooniverse.
1. Glenn Close only counts in
whore shoes/Ayn Rand grenades.
Loonited States of Aware-ica
Q: Why pledge allegiance to the
gag of the
Loonited States of Aware-ica?
…and to the Bee Public,
for which it pans (one station, underground, invisible), which smacks
1. As members
of the Looniverse, we all live in the Loonited States of Aware-ica.
Looniverse is huge, even bigger than New
Looniverse is greater than the sum of some of its farts.
Frankenetti is a Laughrican Awareican.
1. The Moon
is made of Aware-ican cheese.
govern meant was beyond its means.
A: It's funny----that’s
1. Andrew Frankenetti keeps the Lost Boys and Founding Fathers behind
it comes to possessions, Andrew Frankenetti claims no cunt – RE:
1. In trust we trust; in lies we lust; in dust we die, in time we must.
Matches to ashes, butts to butts.
1. Life is not be free when you have to pay the price.
1. The issuing of currency doesn't help us from running out of time.
1. Laughter - not inflation - is responsible for the expansion of
1. During a recession, Andrew Frankenetti spends more time eating Her
free lunch than playing at recess.
1. Knowing your ABC’s means
knowing your: “Anthony Braxton, Coltrane, Duke Ellington. H, I,
John Zorn, Louis
Armstrong, P. Q, R, Sun Ra, TV sucks. Double-you expect something..."
1. Every animal has its own jazz.
1. What Billy Joel meant to say
was, “You may be right,I may be crazy, but it just might be the
you’re looking for.”
1. The line “Yes, and he always
had some mighty fine wine” has hereby been stricken from the
record of “Joy to
the World” by Three Dog Night.
1. All you need is Glove.
1. Don’t hurry. Bee honey.
1. Rub-a-dub, dub, 3 wise men and a baby.
Frankenetti is the keeper of my soul. When I’m good, She
fills Her stockings.
I’m bad, She gives me coal.
1. Jane Doe: a dear, a shemale dear.
1. I’d do
anything to meet/eat Meatloaf, but I won’t do that.
1. "Four in One" is Thelonious' number that you'll ever do.
1. The pills are alive with the sound of muzak.
Braxton and Butch Morris are the conductors aboard the John Coltrane.
1. You do not
need track-marks to ride the John Coltrane.
1. Get off
the band wagon,and get on the Trane.
1. If you’re
Elvin Jones’n for a Max Roach or if you’re only playing
music to get Buddy
Rich, then you've already missed the John Coltrane.
1. The Alice
Coltrane makes frequent stops in Wonderland.
1. Free Jazz don't pay.
1. Rough Jazz isn't free for all - just for those who get splinters in
1. Rosa Parks sits in the front on the John Coltrane.
1. If you
have a turntable, flip the Bird over.
1. The Santa
Claus of the Franz Liszt states that naughty children get a timeout in
1. You can call me Al, but I'd prefer Andrew Frankenetti.
1. Duck Jazz musicians know
their AQC’s, which go: “Anthony Quaxton, Coltrane, Duck
Ellington. H, I, John Zorn, Louis Armstrong, Duck.. Q, R, Sun Ra, TV
Double-ducky, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck.
Quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack. Duck, duck, duck,
duck, duck, goose!"
1. Souperfluously, Andrew Frankenetti walks into
a bank with wantons and leaves with wallets.
1. It is safe to
ass-ume that Andrew Frankenetti told the truth, the hole truth, and nothing
butt the truth. This
ass-umption is built upon a reversed butt-hole
"truth and nothing".
1. "Hey! Knock, knock." "Who's there?"
"A haiku." "A haiku, who?
"A haiku by you."
1. What's brown and white and bread all over?
1. We cannot determine whether Schrodinger's cat has nein or nine
lives until the moment he spells it.
*There's more than one way to
scan a cat.
1. One thousand is worth 1000 pictures and not a picture less.
1. Which letter of the alphabet describes a mess when it becomes untied?
1. You can laugh all the way to the bank before
you go through withdrawal.
1. You are making You. You are making You. You are making You. You're
1. If you say, "If you say 'Andrew
Frankenetti' three times, then you
will have said Andrew Frankenetti three more times than," three times,
you will have
said Andrew Frankenetti three more times than if you had said
"Andrew Frankenetti" three times.
1. To buckle my shoe, fly, and don't bother Hermes.
1. "I stink; therefore, I smell."
- Rene Desfartes
1. It makes no cents to call nose sense non-scents.
is as drilling does.
Why scramble like eggs when there’s a bun-dance?
Our symbols are hitting us with our own drumsticks.
the human race finally ends, nobody will have crossed the finish line
instead crossed everybody.
1. If you take nothing else away from all of this, at least you have
read rule number one.
Ownership has set sale for sure, and you bought it: furry tale.
1. Puns free us from our prison sentences.
1. It's natural to feel a Freud when you're Jung.
1. Don't count your chicken coupes before they hatchback.
1. Demeaning is demanding as two
meanings is too many.
1. Mary is sometimes pictured mad
on a Xmas morning.
1. "X" Marx the Brothers.
1. Ezra gets a pounding
headache, but James rejoices when Lewis sings his carols.
1. Humor is in the pie of the beholder.
1. Cow museum, cow moo don't.
1. People who live in gingerbread houses shouldn't throw scones.
1. To get Get Smart, you have to go-go back in time.
1. In formation we find out lying.
1. If you sum one, you get one. If you know one, it takes one. If you
won, you are one.
Q: Who in God's name is Andrew Frankenetti?!?!?!
A: Andrew Frankenetti is in Her own name, and who She is depends on
Q: Could Andrew Frankenetti microwave
a burrito so hot that She, Herself, could not eat it?
A: No, because Andrew
Frankenetti has a leather mouth.
Q: How doth Andrew Frankenetti
know letters, having never learned?
A: Andrew Frankenetti can recite
the alphabet backwards.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the
A: Ask not why the chicken
crossed the road. Ask why the road was crossed by the chicken.
A: You’d be cross too if
chicken walked on you.
Q: Is Andrew Frankenetti always
A: Ready or not, here She comes.
Q: Is it going to rain today?
A: Yes, but you may have the good fortune to be somewhere else.
Q: Is the sound of One Butt
crapping the same as the taste of an empty toilet bowl of rice?
A: No, of course not!
Q: How can Andrew Frankenetti change my life for the better?
A: In any way that you can imagine and in no way that you can't.
Q: Why did Andrew
rob Peter to pay Paul?
A: Paul had the bone-saw.
Q: Truth or dare?
Q: If a cliche occurs in the woods, and there is no one around to
observe it; does it still make Frankensense to ask this question?
A: Does Andrew Frankenetti crap in the woods?
Q: Am I going to be tested on
any of this?
A: Yes, but you'll be grading yourself.
Q: Where do babies come from?
A: Children are our greatest
natural resources. They are mined by children in children minds.
Q: Why believe in Andrew
Frankenetti if Andrew Frankenetti doesn't believe in me?
A: Why believe that you believe Andrew Frankenetti doesn't believe
in you if you don't believe you believe in Andrew Frankenetti?
Q: What do I do if I can’t fall asleep?
A: Shear lunar sheepclipse.
Q: What happens if I use
the Lord’s name in Spain?
A: The Spanish proposition is aye before sí.
Q: How does Andrew Frankenetti hold Her liquor?
A: In a Frankenstein.
Q: What came first, the chicken or the egg salad?
A: They came out on the same tray.
Q: What time is it?
A: We need to know when first.
Q: How do I get to Never Never Land?
A: Second Starbucks to the right and straight on 'til Morning.
Q: What is Zen?
A: Asking Andrew Frankenetti the meaning of Zen is like a simile, so
stop asking as if you're asking.
Q: None of this is really that funny or interesting.
A: What kind of a question is that?
Mamas and the Papas
1. Mama said:
~ Stupid is as stupid does
~ Life is like a box of chocolates; you never know
what you're gonna get.
~ Knock you out!
~ I won't have you bringing strange young girls in
for supper! By candlelight, I suppose, in
the cheap erotic fashion of young men
with cheap erotic minds!
~ All the leaves are brown, and the sky is gray.
~ Forget about your brotherly and otherly love;
motherly love is just the thing for you.
1. Mama's got a squeeze-box. Daddy never sleeps at night.
1. Mother is the invention of necessity.
1. Dad likes dada when he takes Mom to MOMA.
1. Papa was a Rolling Rock away from the refrigerator.
1. It's the middle of the night, and your mommy and your daddy are
sleeping - sleeping in a jar.
1. Papa's got a brand new bag.
1. It's not all because your mama don't dance and your daddy don't rock
1. We all must eventually move out of our Oedipus Duplex.
1. PropagAndrew is run out of the publications
department of LUNY (Loony University of New York) Frankenetti, located
hundred feet below Nassau Avenue
1. PropagAndrew is a self-fulfilling propagation as well as a
1. PropagAndrew doesn't make real profits or false prophets.
1. If you build it, She will come.
1. It matters not when Frankensense falls on deaf ears, for it climbs
up through the nostrils.
1. Don't worry if you get lost in translation; nobody knows where
you're going anyway.
Thank-Ya-Ma’am,It’s the Law
1. Thou shalt surely shit.
1. There is but one Commandment.
1. There is one Butt Commandment.
1. There is Butt Commandment
One: “Do what thou wilt shall be the hole of the butt.”
1. “Do what thou wilt shall be
the but of the whole.”
1. “Do what thou wilt shall be
the loophole of the but.”
1. Do and do not do whatever you do and do not want to do and
to do not.
1. No "should"s outside your body.
0. Negate any of the above.
0. I am a liar, but I didn't write that.
0. What you see is what you get.
0. Setting sail on 2 boats simultaneously in different directions
implies arriving at a pair o' docks.
0. Correlation correlates with causation, which caused the correlation
to begin with.
0. Just put a zero at the end.
0. Andrew Frankenetti is phallicy.